Now that everyone's in a huff about Dick using the “F” word, I thought that maybe I should lend a hand and jot down a few alternatives Dick (and you and everyone else) could use for that dreaded “F” word. I’ve got a few words sprinkled in from my book, Vicious Vocabulary, like salacious, ithyphallic, lubricious, but by and large, my first book was more about erudite insults you might use in a college essay and less about scatological aspersions.  Still, I’ll give some thought about whether I should add words like fornicate, copulate and onanistic to my next book: More Vicious Vocabulary.  Until then, may your wicked tongue whittle your opponents down to bite-size tasty morsels!

 

Warning: This is not meant for any person under 18.  Although these are euphemisms for the “F” word, you still might be offended if you read them. 

 

Biblical:

 

Know thyself.

 

You can’t be any more obscure than that.  Leahy might think it’s an ontological suggestion when Cheney meant something more like this: And Senator Leahy knew Senator Leahy and begat little congressmen, nine children in all, and he knew many bears and wild animals as well, along with many sheep so that the prophecy should be fulfilled and it was painful and he was afraid.

 

Shakespearean:

 

Get thee to a nunnery

O, thou should be a breeder to thyself.

 

Here’s some more:

 

Be one with yourself.

Commune with oneself!

Make love to yourself.

Copulate alone and we’ll all sleep better.

Fornicate with yourself.

Have coitus with your oinus.

Make a conjugal visit with yourself.

Have sexual intercourse with yourself, but don’t frighten the horses.

Deflower your own backyard.

Prick yourself and die!

Be intimate on your own.

Consummate a relationship with oneself.

Get onanistic with your loins.

Get mitotic.

Make like an amoeba and split.

Practice safe sex; go plug yourself.

Get penetrated.

Get concupiscent with the one you love the most yourself.

Just do it solo.

Procreate alone.

Have relations independently.

Mono-mate now!

Service your backseat.

Go all the way with numero uno.

Get laid a cappella.

Shack up alone.

 

Direct:

 

Up yours!

Get shafted!

Get screwed!

Shove it!

Stuff it!

Cram it!

Get bent!

Put a cork in it.

Sit on it.

 

Simple:

 

Stick it in your ear.

Stick it in your rear.

Stick it where the sun doesn’t shine.

 

British:

 

Get buggered!

Sod off!

Shag off!

Roger yourself.

 

Australian:

 

Get rooted!

 

Silly:

 

Take a romp up your rump.

Go tinker with your sphincter.

Go hump your rump.

Take a lubricious swim up crap creek.

Take a salacious trip up your own wazoo.

Diddle yourself.

Get boinked.

Get boffed!

Ball your own buns.

Get some nooky with your tushie.

Fertilize your own hinterland.

Pollinate your own posterior.

Inseminate your backside.

Impregnate your behind!

Knock up your own fanny!

Spawn your hindquarters.

Seed your own gluteus maximus.

Fecundate your fundament!

Sow your wild oats up your own derriere.

Have a quickie up your icky!

Do the hanky panky up your heinie!

 

 

Woody Allen:

 

Be fruitful and multiply yourself.

 

Marlon Brando:

 

Get the butter.

 

Italian:

 

(While using the appropriate gesture) I got your filibuster right here.

 

Confusing:

 

Mount your keister.

Couple unaccompanied.

 

French:

 

Have a ménage à un.

 

Finally, when you don’t feel finished, go Yiddish.

 

Go schtup yourself! (Or shtup, depending on what dictionary you’re using.)

 

Or even,

 

Putz it up the infield.

 

I could go on, but then, why?  By now you’re probably thinking, “Why not use the “F” word?” We hear it so much it probably sounds less offensive than many of the euphemisms I’ve given.  The word is often used simply to express anger and has lost some of its literal meaning.  What Cheney meant was most likely, “Go to hell!” or “Get lost!”  But swearing comes from a primitive part of the brain so we’re not really thinking when we let an expletive rip.  Perhaps that’s why it feels good to say it, but it sounds stupid when we hear it.

 

That about does it.  I’m sure you can think of a few I missed.  In the meantime, take a look at my book, Vicious Vocabulary published by Random House and get ready for another vicious election.